BBC Beats Strike With ‘Richard Baker’s Greatest Hits’

THE BBC has shrugged off strike action by its journalists by screening a
selection of classic news stories from the last 40 years.

The US mid-terms would have been more interesting if they had involved just a little bit of spunk

The corporation said today’s news will include Bill Clinton ejaculating on a fat girl’s party dress, John Cole’s unintelligible reaction to the resignation of Michael Heseltine and some footage of Richard Branson looking jolly in a tinfoil balloon.

Meanwhile viewers will also get the chance to vote for their favourite classic tragedy in a bid to use up a good eight or nine hours on News 24.

The early favourite is Louise Nurding’s split from Eternal followed by the discovery of mass graves in Rwanda.

News 24 will also be running a range of news-based entertainment shows, including I Love There’s Been a Gas Mains Fire In Carlisle, in which celebrities tell a mediocre stand-up comedian about their favourite Cumbrian-based methane conflagration stories.

Radio 4’s Today programme will still go ahead, with the news content being replaced by John Humphrys reading the Daily Mail and occasionally mumbling ‘for fuck’s sake, have you seen this?’.

The National Union of Journalists confirmed that ‘Thought for the Day’ will not be affected by the strike as some half-demented old man trying to shoehorn Jesus into the BSkyB takeover story doesn’t really constitute crossing a picket line.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “I would like to see some proper news stories for a change which celebrate Britain, such as the return of Canberra from the Falklands or Virginia Wade winning Wimbledon. That was a very proud day for our country and I also find her enormously attractive.

“Such incredible thighs…”

A BBC spokesman said: “We’ve actually just found a load of stuff in an old box from 1973 about how no-one has any money and the country is hurtling towards bankruptcy with a half-arsed Tory prime minister at the wheel.

“Which I suppose means Huw Edwards and his Marxist chums can go piss up a fucking rope.”