BBC Denies Dr Who Cuts As New Monsters Include Some Cheese And A Stick

THE producer of Doctor Who has dismissed claims that new aliens, including Cheddron the Cheese, are the result of BBC budget cuts.

Stephen Moffat said adversaries in the forthcoming series would be as terrifying and vivid as ever, such as Stickros, Emperor of the Broken Sticks and Gerboid, a giant space mammal borrowed from the make-up woman's four year-old daughter.

Show insiders have claimed the new characters were the result of swingeing budget cuts which have left producers with barely enough money to cover the big explosion at the end of each episode.

Stephen Moffat said: "There's no truth in suggestions that we're just picking up objects lying around the set and adding 'oid' or 'ator' to the end of their name.

"It just so happens that we'd never previously realised how scary something like a stapler or a tangerine could look, especially if lit in an ominous way and voiced by Ricky Whittle."

Moffat revealed the new series would include episodes with a more down to earth slant, veering away from massive space battles to focus on the sort of everyday galactic issues to which the audience can relate.

He said: "In episode three, 'The Chambers of Gargafon', the Doctor will dramatically forget his pin number in a garage, while in episode six, 'Invasion of the Paltrassians', he is asked to intervene in a neighbourly dispute over a leylandii hedge which does not come to life at any point and reek the sort of tedious, big budget havoc that we are all so sick and tired of."

He added: "And if you're still not happy I do always retain the option of bringing back Sylvester McCoy.

"So don't fuck with me."

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Doctors Demand Concentration Camps For The Poor

DOCTORS have proposed a network of concentration camps to contain Britain's ghastly poor people.

Frustrated by their continued awfulness, the Royal College of Physicians said the poor should be herded into long barrack huts in remote areas and surrounded by a large wooden fence so that affluent, middle class children will not be able to see them.

RCP president Professor Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: "We've tried controlling their vileness with bans and taxes, but it's not working, so eventually we thought 'fuck it, let's just round them up'.

"This way they get to smoke and drink and stab each other with screwdrivers, while the rest of us get the peace and quiet we need to order a mixed case of some of that lovely New World stuff from the Sunday Times Wine Club."

He added: "If we leave them alone they should all die out within 10 to 15 years and then we can bulldoze the camps and build luxury hotel golf complexes and riding schools."

Julian Cook, a GP from Newark, said: "You see, you're not a doctor so you don't meet many of them, but they are disgusting.

"They smell of cigarettes and cheap food and sit there with their horrible, ugly, diseased children, wheezing all over my nice cords.

"You'll be talking to one of them and all of a sudden it'll starting hacking up great gobs of phlegm. That really, harsh rasping noise, as if they're about to turn themselves inside out."

Norman Steele, a family doctor from Hatfield, said: "They all fight over the celebrity magazines while the untouched copy of National Geographic just sits there in the corner, staring at me as if to say 'let's run away together'.

"I dream that one day me and the National Geographic will get into my Audi, drive to the Cotswolds and set up home in a lovely little village full of rich, healthy people who will pay me a hundred grand a year to chat."

He added: "I really don't see why this has to be a big deal. It's just a few camps, a bit of barbed wire, maybe some dogs. No-one's talking about gassing anyone. Not at this stage."

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