BBC News To Ban All Numbers Higher Than Nine
THE BBC is to ban the use of any number higher than nine from its television and radio news bulletins, the Corporation said last night.
Figures under nine will still appear, but only if they are represented on screen by a man dressed up as a number and led into the studio by Mr Snuffleupagus.
All the numbers will then line up in the correct order and dance, while Mr Snuffleupagus explains the latest inflation figure using women dressed as typical household goods.
The numbers will then be chased from the studio by the Count who loves to count.
BBC head of news Julian Cook said: "People today are finding it increasingly difficult to cope with complex information and numbers, what with all the stuff that's going on.
"The last thing they need is Evan Davies showing off with his double-digit numbers and his hoity-toity percentages.
"Instead they want Fiona Bruce to stand in the street and make her eyebrows dance."
He added: "If we ever do want to get people interested in complex or difficult issues, we'll just tell Feargal Keane to go somewhere poor and get all upset about it."