BBC Pledges Most Utterly Hellish Eastenders Christmas Ever

THIS year’s Eastenders Christmas will set new standards in unbearably hellish festive grimness, the BBC has promised.

It's not Christmas until Phil Mitchell has puked on some chocolates

The high definition broadcast of the long-running suicide note will depict every hate-filled grimace in stunning detail as the show climaxes the current storyline about a shouty man having sex with a shouty woman, much to the annoyance of another shouty person or persons.

Executive producer Roy Hobbs said: “Viewers will be transported into a shitbubble of unremitting misery and disappointment populated by vile, desperate scum. For Christmas!

“We did consider filming the show in 3D, but we suspected people might draw the line at a sweaty, grunting Phil Mitchell lurching out of their television sets like a crack-addicted haemorrhoid before appearing to vomit all over their tin of Quality Street.”

The entire Eastenders set has had to be revamped in order to withstand the scrutiny of high-definition filming, including the addition of two dozen fried chicken shops and an avalanche of foul-mouthed racist graffiti.

The realism of the show will also be enhanced with the Christmas plot seeing two thirds of the current characters being horribly killed and replaced with a load of actors who used to be in Holby City.

Meanwhile the BBC has confirmed plans to increase its hi-def output but pledged that viewers will be warned before they are confronted with a pin-sharp image of Bruce Forsyth’s face.

A BBC spokesman said: “It looks a bit like Leslie Philips’ nutsack wearing a steamrollered pigeon.”