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Ed Sheeran breaks into Sunday Times World's Dullest Shite List

ED Sheeran has made it into the respected Sunday Times list of the most tedious music acts in the world.

The singer-songwriter’s high earnings and dreary output have allowed him to take his place among MOR legends such as Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Michael Flatley.

Sheeran said: “When I started out I tried to be spiky and interesting. I’m embarrassed by how little I knew about bland, commercial crap.

“With practise and hard work I realised the key marketing demographic is people who want non-intrusive Spotify fodder that goes down equally well at a barbecue, wedding or funeral.

“I rented a cottage and just sat there with my acoustic guitar writing song after song, all the time asking myself, ‘How can I be as bland as Zayn Malik?’

“The answer, of course, was Galway Girl.”

Sir Elton John said: “Ed Sheeran is an exciting new voice in the musical mainstream. One day he could write a Nikita or whatever Coldplay’s songs are called.”

Sheeran added: “This is my chance to take creative risks. I’m currently working on a West End musical featuring my own hits and some songs by Queen.”

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How many office bastards can you spot?

THE modern office is a rich environment for twats of all shapes and sizes. But which ones do you work with? Read our guide and tick off all the ones you see!

The obstructive wanker

This office worker seems to think their job description is ‘make everything a pain in the arse’. They will resist even the most minor requests, as if you’ve asked for a bucket of diamonds rather than a pack of Post-its.

Boss who creates a miserable atmosphere

The sort of boss who, through their bad temper or obsession with productivity, turns the office into a no-fun, heads-down workhouse where no one talks to each other.

The atmosphere immediately improves when they’re gone, much like the demise of the Wicked Witch of the East in The Wizard of Oz. Sadly they’re just at lunch and haven’t been killed by a house.

Permanently aggrieved woman

This colleague is ALWAYS having a bitter dispute with co-workers or the company and wants to tell you about it. (Note: They have no interest in you, except as a human bin in which to dump their woes.)

To make matters worse the dispute is usually totally incomprehensible, eg. “So Astrid’s got time off in lieu – no surprise there, Little Miss Two-Faced Bitch – and guess who’s got to do the Stevenage rotas?”  

The workplace pervert

Always a man, this employee will expect other male co-workers to be interested in whatever hellish pornography he’s into, eg. “I found this cracking porno, mate. Have you seen Donkey Wanktuary?”

Working late martyrs

“Looks like I’m working late again!” these employees will sigh, but secretly they’re enjoying their martyrdom or trying to suck up to the boss. If you study them closely you will notice their ‘late working’ is 90% making coffee and sending personal emails.

Mr Smooth

Usually working in sales, Mr Smooth models himself on David Beckham when he’s advertising suits or luxury watches. If you like hearing about “munters” he has “pulled” in the rancid local nightclub he is excellent company.

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