Film censor 'excluding monstrous perverts from mainstream society'

THE British Board of Film Classification was last night accused of driving unspeakable deviants to the fringes of UK society.

As the BBFC banned the nauseating sequel to hellish torture porn movie The Human Centipede, horrifically twisted perverts across Britain said they were being made to feel like strangers in their own country.

Stephen Malley, who likes to watch The Human Centipede while masturbating with some sandpaper, said: “The problem with censorship is that it’s really just an opinion.

“We are allowing a small group of people to dictate what is normal.

“The inevitable consequence is that people who use their hard earned money to watch films about a mad scientist setting fire to his penis while eating a big plate of microwaved human excrement are somehow seen as being a bit weird.”

Malley added: “I should be able to go to work and openly discuss the freaky new thing I do while watching I Spit on Your Grave without everyone desperately screaming at me to shut my face and then starting a petition to have me transferred to Stevenage.”

Tom Logan, professor of right and wrong at Reading University, said: “There will be some who say that banning The Human Centipede 2 is the thin end of the wedge and that before long we will be living in a dictatorship. But they are probably having a lot of problems in their personal life and are just looking for an argument.

“Then there will be those who say that while they would never watch films like The Human Centipede and find the idea of it disgusting, the principle of free speech is at stake. Meaning of course they have watched it, probably while wearing a romper suit that they urinate into.”

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Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

The Power Personality Test.

Many people would give their right arm or it’s financial equivalent to be in my close circle of friends. In fact I went so far as to work out some figures with a potential friend and top salesman Geoff Harris, but I wouldn’t accept a deferred payment scheme.

Your close circle of friends reflects on you as a person so it needs to look and smell excellent. However great you may be, a weak circle can lock you into a lifetime of meaningless dinner parties. I’ve surrounded myself with CEOs, the world’s top animal plastic surgeon, two international DJs and a 17 year-old contortionist. We’re successful, we’re attractive and, most of all, we’re fun.

I’ve designed a ground-breaking personality test that will allow you to determine whether or not someone should be in your inner circle of friends. Get them to answer the following questions and score them 1 for a yes and 0 for a no.

1. Have they ever done anything that Alan Sugar might think is good?

2. Have they invested wisely in property?

3. Are they not slippery to the touch?

4. Do they carry a hanky?

5. What do their ears look like?

6. Is yogurt important to them?

7. Do they know a girl called Rudie Tiddler?

8. Does anyone else like them?

9. Is there a reasonable amount of people who like them?

10. Can they do anything cool that makes you better as a their close friend? E.g. Pay for dinners, double-jointed limbs, own trained exotic animals.

Scores:
10 – 8. They are in. Keep them close by whatever means, like buying them a luxury friendship bracelet or the same shoes as yours.

7 – 5. More testing needed, they may have potential, try and find out what they’ve got in savings or what they look like in swimwear.

4 – 2. Get them out of the inner circle now, even if they give you the whole ‘but we’ve been friends for ages’ line. If they’re getting clingy perhaps you ought to invite them on a deep sea fishing trip.

1 – 0. You should be ashamed that you know people like this.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of The Cost Effective Way to Consensual Quality Friendships

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