Harry Styles abducted by Loose Women
POLICE fear the worst for pop singer Harry Styles after he was taken from a nightclub by the presenters of ITV’s Loose Women.
Fresh-faced One Direction rascal Styles was last seen being bundled into the boot of a car by Denise Welch and her co-harridans. Onlookers claim he was attempting to scream for help but had been gagged with a neon pink Anne Summers thong.
Detective Inspector Tom Booker said: “Styles’ penchant for older women is well documented.
“Sadly it was only a matter of time before he attracted the attention of ITV’s noisy succubi, who may have interpreted his behaviour as some sort of challenge.”
Police believe the 19-year-old is being held in a flat full of Pinot Grigio and Beryl Cook pictures, ‘like a shrine to the menopause’.
Detective Inspector Booker said: “Styles will initially be subjected to suggestive comments by Sherrie Hewson and Janet Street-Porter, including thinly-veiled demands to see his ‘winkie’ followed by a chorus middle-aged cackling.
“There is a slim chance that Carol McGiffin who is the least mental one, will rein in the group and release him with only minor claw marks.
“However it is more likely that Welch will ride him until his mind snaps, like a Texan ranch hand breaking a particularly unruly pony.”