Hatton Garden robbers sentenced to watch hellish Danny Dyer film based on their story

THE Hatton Garden jewel thieves have been sentenced to sit through the inevitable British gangster movie based on their heist.

Seven men, all believed to have quirky nicknames, will be strapped to cinema chairs and forced to watch Danny Dyer being a ‘tasty geezer’ for 90 minutes.

Defence lawyer Roy Hobbs said: “They will be subjected to horrible stereotypes and incredibly painful Cockney banter.

“All they did was steal some jewels for Christ’s sake.”

The film will feature Dyer alongside Vinny Jones and all the surviving cast members from Minder.

Hobbs added: “The mark of a civilised society is whether it uses Danny Dyer against its own people.”

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Bosses can read workers' emails out loud if they’re particularly juicy

EMPLOYERS can read personal emails by their staff out loud in meetings if they are particularly juicy, the European court has ruled.

Following a test case by a Romanian boss who took an employee to court to find out details of an inter-office threesome, all emails which pass a threshold of prurient interest can be used to enliven staff meetings and presentations to shareholders.

Hedge fund manager Norman Steele said: “My junior was sending, and receiving, emails about her husband’s gay affair with his yoga teacher that were clearly of great potential benefit to the company, but my hands were tied.

“Thanks to this ruling, I’ve already delighted the office with them, and I expect they’ll really motivate the boys on the sales floor next week.”

Marketing assistant Susan Traherne said: “I wasn’t aware that the gory details of my marriage break-up were legally an asset of my employer, or indeed that they were incredibly funny if you weren’t directly involved.

“Now I’ve been booked on an email reading tour of all our branches, sharing my most intimate secrets with more than 7,600 frontline retail workers. It’s better than sitting in front of a computer all day.”

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