Man describes even most boring technology as 'like something off Black Mirror'

A MAN obsessed with Black Mirror thinks even the most mundane technology has an evil hidden agenda.

31-year-old Wayne Hayes, who watches the Netflix sci-fi series with religious fervour, describes anything powered by electricity as ‘like something off Black Mirror’.

Hayes said: “My girlfriend got me one of those toasted sandwich makers for Christmas. I’m sure it’s got a secret camera that records my every move for the government, while using my sandwich preferences to build a detailed psychological profile that will ultimately be used to enslave me on a moon colony where love is forbidden.

“Like something off Black Mirror.”

Hayes went on to describe how the programme shows dystopian visions of hi-tech near-futures, where people wear polo necks and have arguments in big glass houses.

He added: “It really makes you think. Is technology our friend or foe? My phone charger made a weird noise the other day, so it’s definitely in love with my girlfriend and planning to kill me.

“Then it’ll get her pregnant with a half-charger baby and they’ll go and live in a weird hive that looks like a massive iPhone.

“Also I believe the kettle has secret racist views.”

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No f**king way, says UK after Jeremy Hunt promoted

BRITONS are convinced there has been a terrible mistake after health minister Jeremy Hunt was promoted in the cabinet reshuffle.

The public is desperately trying to find a rational explanation for Hunt taking over social care after spending years running the NHS into the ground while smiling like a vaguely creepy garden gnome.

Hairdresser Nikki Hollis said: “Is there a different Jeremy Hunt who should have been promoted instead of him? It’s a long shot but it makes more sense than giving him extra things to fuck up.

“Maybe a computer malfunctioned and instead of a letter saying ‘You’re fired, you twat’ he got one saying ‘Well done, take over social care’.

“Later I might cut someone’s ear off and see if I get a pay rise.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Of course Hunt isn’t still health secretary. It’s probably just someone who looks like him, maybe his twin brother. That happens all the time in films.

“I pray that fucker isn’t now responsible for how I’m treated in my declining years. I really don’t want to spend my old age strapped to a commode eating watery Smash.”

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