Arts & Entertainment

Amy Winehouse A Honking Skank, Says Gran

AMY Winehouse fans should stop buying her records because she is a croaky voiced skank who sounds like a goose being forced arse first into a trombone, her grandmother said last night.

Big Brother Housemates Rise To Over 200

SIXTY-FIVE new housemates, including a platoon of Gurkhas, were introduced into Big Brother last night, swelling numbers in the show for its tense final week to over 200.

Poster Reveals Unremitting Shitness Of New Robin Williams Movie

JUST looking at the poster for License to Wed, a new comedy starring Robin Williams, reveals the film's catastrophic shitness, it was claimed last night.

Computer Game Fan No Time To Masturbate

TOP World of Warcraft player Jason Stibbles could be forced to give up masturbation altogether after the hugely popular online game unveiled its new expansion called Wrath of the Lich King.

Keith Richards To Write Story Of His Life As A Beatle

ROCK legend Keith Richards is to write his memoirs, filled with intimate details of his life as a member of The Beatles.

All BBC Output Now Deliberate Lies, Says Director General

EVERYTHING broadcast across the BBC network is a deliberate and malicious falsehood, director general Mark Thompson confirmed last night. 

Harry Potter Saga 'All A Dream' Says Rowling

HARRY Potter author JK Rowling has revealed that the last sentence of the final volume in the seven book series will be "and then I woke up and it had all been a dream".

Posh's Breasts Join Church Of Scientology

VICTORIA Beckham's breasts have become Scientologists as part of a daring strategy to carve out an independent life for themselves in Los Angeles.