Arts & Entertainment

Coffee machine to join heavy metal band

THE coffee machine from a local cafe bar is to join a heavy metal band, it has been confirmed.

Hatton Garden robbers sentenced to watch hellish Danny Dyer film based on their story

THE Hatton Garden jewel thieves have been sentenced to sit through the inevitable British gangster movie based on their heist.

Voodoo Ray confirmed as English National Anthem

THE chanting bit from rave classic Voodoo Ray by A Guy Called Gerald will be sung at international sporting events, it has been confirmed.

Mum and dad admit they both used to fancy David Bowie

A MIDDLE-AGED married couple have admitted that David Bowie was their first mutual crush.

Man still going on about meeting The Strokes 14 f**king years ago

A MAN who met The Strokes nearly 14 years ago still brings it up at the slightest opportunity.

Group of friends begs last member to watch Star Wars

FIVE people are begging their friend to see The Force Awakens so they can stop talking about it in code.

George R R Martin cannot think of single good reason to finish book

AGEING multimillionaire George R R Martin has stopped writing the next Game of Thrones book while in the middle of a sentence.

Renaissance painting ‘like night out in Manchester’

THE Massacre of the Innocents by Jacopo Tintoretto has gone viral after people noticed its similarity to a night on the tiles in Northern England.