Arts & Entertainment

Dad disappointed he never got to be a heroin addict

THE release of T2 Trainspotting has left a middle-aged man feeling depressed that it is probably too late to become an Edinburgh heroin addict.

New Glastonbury to have turnip-growing contest and pig races

GLASTONBURY’S new festival the Variety Bazaar will feature large vegetables, a pig race with obstacles and Lady Gaga running a lucky dip.

Man thinks watching Sherlock makes him an intellectual

A MAN believes he is intellectually superior because he slavishly follows the implausible storylines of Sherlock, he has revealed.

Sky reluctantly pulls broadcast of utterly f**ked up idea conceived by a madman

SKY TV has pulled the broadcast of its Michael Jackson comedy drama, after realising the whole thing was completely insane from start to finish.

Rock band splits because of musical similarities 

A ROCK band have split because they have the same crap tastes and sound like all the other shit that is out there.

La La Land is the film you're desperate to avoid seeing in 2017

GOLDEN Globe-winning musical La La Land is fast becoming the film you will go to any lengths not to watch in 2017.

Panto audience asked to believe in Brexit to save Tinkerbell

THE audience at a production of Peter Pan have been told they must believe in Brexit if Tinkerbell is to live.

Hull now incredibly up itself

BECOMING the UK’s City of Culture has caused everyone in Hull to become a snooty intellectual, it has emerged.