Arts & Entertainment

Clarkson splits into two

JEREMY Clarkson has split into two separate entities - one sad, the other mocking.

Big Brother celebrities arrive, unaware that one of them is a murderer

THE new murder-themed series of Celebrity Big Brother began last night with the mysterious death of Julian Clary.

Street Fighter 'tainted' by Van Damme sex claims

JEAN-CLAUDE Van Damme’s claims of an affair with Kylie Minogue on the set of Street Fighter have sullied the classic film, according to fans.

45-year-old salesman apologises for closing ceremony

WAYNE Hayes, a middle-aged sales executive from Carlisle, has apologised for the Olympics closing ceremony beamed directly from his brain.

The Daily Mash's Edinburgh Festival highlights

A BRIEF 'best of' guide to the bewildering orgy of self-indulgence happening in Scotland.

1.26 million demonstrate against Olympics takeover of BBC Three

A MASS demonstration by BBC Three viewers has protested against programmes including Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents being replaced by Olympics coverage.

The Hobbit to be split into three films, four albums, five tea towels and a key ring

DIRECTOR Peter Jackson has announced plans to tell the story of The Hobbit across a variety of media including chinaware.

Queen becomes new face of Iceland

QUEEN Elizabeth II has been unveiled as the new face of frozen food retailer Iceland.