Arts & Entertainment

Ian Beale to return as a Yardie

EASTENDERS is to become yet more unrealistic with the return of Ian Beale as a Jamaican-style gangster.

Festival with kids to be worst experience imaginable

PEOPLE taking their children to music festivals are going to get exactly what they deserve, it has emerged.

Gary Barlow headlines Stonehenge

FORMER Take That singer Gary Barlow has headlined Stonehenge's annual celebrations in honour of the ancient Earth Goddess.

New Hitman game to feature very realistic women

THE next game in the Hitman series will feature realistic female characters that look like girls you might see on the bus.

Men puzzled by porn that you read

MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pornography that is both for women and made of words.

New Pixar film not teeming with truculent piss-artists

BRAVE, the new Pixar film set in Scotland, has invented a type of Scottish person which does not and will never exist.

BBC moving Salford to London

THE BBC is to put the entire Manchester district of Salford on castors and wheel it into the capital, it has emerged.

Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium

THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.