Arts & Entertainment

Adults order children to be sad about Daleks

CHILDREN across Britain were today told to be all sad about the Daleks.

Wire star's new crime series to use realistic West Country dialect

A NEW HBO-style cop drama starring Dominic West will introduce phrases like ''ow bist' and 'gert lush' to Guardian readers.

Apprentice viewers realise contestants have no identities

THE latest batch of hopefuls on The Apprentice are known even to themselves by generic names like 'The Blonde Woman', it emerged last night.

Von Trier forced to watch own films

LARS Von Trier has been forced to watch every film he has ever made before being allowed back into the Cannes film festival.

Eastenders not realistically horrific enough

LONG-running suicide note Eastenders fails to fully capture how revolting Cockneys are, the BBC have admitted.

Pop 'lesbians' to face bull dyke challenge

FEMALE recording artists who claim to have raunchy lesbian tendencies must spend a night locked in with a minotaur-like 'diesel dyke', it has been announced.

Steve Davis to make prog rock sexy again

LITHE snooker legend Steve Davis's new BBC radio show is going to put the sexy back into progressive rock music, it was claimed last night.

Cowell replaced by ageing, embittered drag queen

ITV's Shit Factor will return later this year with Simon Cowell being replaced by a contemptuous showbiz failure.