Arts & Entertainment

New Hitman game to feature very realistic women

THE next game in the Hitman series will feature realistic female characters that look like girls you might see on the bus.

Men puzzled by porn that you read

MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pornography that is both for women and made of words.

New Pixar film not teeming with truculent piss-artists

BRAVE, the new Pixar film set in Scotland, has invented a type of Scottish person which does not and will never exist.

BBC moving Salford to London

THE BBC is to put the entire Manchester district of Salford on castors and wheel it into the capital, it has emerged.

Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium

THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.

Adrian Mole 'goes on murder spree'

THE latest Adrian Mole book sees the main character exacting bloody revenge on the world for his years of comic misfortune, it has emerged.

Jazzy Jeff's 'Summertime' sounding like a piss take

THE classic hip hop track Summertime, which celebrates seasonal sunshine and happiness, is sounding like a cruel joke to UK radio listeners.

Shakespeare’s first theatre ‘mainly porno’

WILLIAM Shakespeare’s first theatre offered mainly low-budget hardcore sex plays, it has emerged.