Arts & Entertainment

Every man over 35 still madly in love with Shirley Manson

EVERY man over 35 in Britain would leave his wife and children in a heartbeat to shack up with Shirley Manson, scientists have confirmed.

ITV's prediction that you like morons rutting on an island proves depressingly accurate

YOU like to watch idiots rutting in a hot place, it has been confirmed.

Adele cancels shows because she's 'f**king sick of Adele songs'

ADELE has admitted cancelling shows because her songs do her head in.

Dinner party dominated by analysis of subtext in Paw Patrol

A DINNER party where the majority of guests are parents was dominated by an in-depth analysis of animated rescue dog show Paw Patrol.

Researchers discover only British actor who hasn't been in Doctor Who

RESEARCHERS have confirmed the discovery of the only British actor who has never been in Doctor Who.

Corbyn to perform Labour manifesto on 50-date stadium tour

JEREMY Corbyn is to play to packed stadiums across the world, reading out bits of economic policy from the Labour manifesto.

Ascot declares war on Glastonbury

ROYAL Ascot has decided to finally settle its long-running rivalry with Glastonbury by marching to war.

Glastonbury coverage welcomed by Britain's top letches

OLD men who dislike pop music but enjoy lusting after young women have welcomed blanket coverage of Glastonbury.