Arts & Entertainment

Daniel Craig to be first white Shaft

BOOKIES have announced that Daniel Craig is odds on to become the first white actor to portray John Shaft.

Dyer wedding to end in formulaic revenge drama

THE wedding of actor Danny Dyer will end with his wife being kidnapped by rival gangsters, it has been confirmed.

Cliff raid inspires f**king awful song

THE police raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s house has inspired him to write yet another mawkish dirge.

Bitter woman turns friend’s break-up into hateful best-seller

A WOMAN has turned eight years of incessant bitching about her friend's partner into a best-selling book.

Brit Awards to settle question of what music is good

TONIGHT'S Brit Awards will end all arguments about music by definitively establishing what is worth listening to.

Middle class person has not seen War Horse play

A MEMBER of the middle class has admitted not having seen the stage version of Warhorse.

Oscars ceremony includes moving tribute to shit films

LAST night's Academy Awards featured an emotional tribute to the dire cinematic fodder that keeps the industry going.

Britain arguing over who hated Blur first

THE UK is locked in argument about who was the first person to realise that Blur were the most loathsome band ever.