Arts & Entertainment

Self-portraits ‘fuelling narcissism’

SELF-PORTRAITS by artists including Rembrandt and Van Gogh are to be banned from the National Gallery for encouraging mindless vanity.

This Morning reluctantly scraps guide to auto-erotic asphyxiation

PHILLIP Schofield has confirmed that This Morning has shelved a segment on increasing sexual excitement by restricting the flow of oxygen to the brain.

Poor sci-fi films are marketing campaign for Star Wars

RECENT poor quality science fiction films were created to make the new Star Wars seem incredible, it has emerged.

Eurovision entrants picked as if for jury service

BRITAIN'S Eurovision entrants received a summons letter forcing them to perform, it has emerged.

Crowd not bothered about second encore

FANS attending a Wombats gig have half-heartedly requested the band return a second time while checking their phones.

‘World Book Day’ sees every child dressed as film character

EVERY child who dressed up for ‘World Book Day’ was just a character from a popular film.

Venues must set tickets aside for weird people

NIGHTCLUBS must now reserve five per cent of their tickets for strange social misfits.

Daniel Craig to be first white Shaft

BOOKIES have announced that Daniel Craig is odds on to become the first white actor to portray John Shaft.