Arts & Entertainment

Glastonbury Sales Down As Fans Tire Of Wallowing In Own Dung

GLASTONBURY ticket sales have slumped this year after thousands of fans decided not to pay £155 to shit in a ditch.

Young Comics 'Too Scared' To Work With Andrew Lloyd Webber, Says Ben Elton

YOUNG alternative comedians are too scared to write third-rate musicals with Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton said last night.

Spacey To Host 'I Am Keyser Soze' On BBC1

ACTOR Kevin Spacey is to celebrate one of his most famous roles by hosting BBC1's latest amateur talent show, I am Keyser Soze.

Chinese Gain Access To Vast Archive Of BBC Health Scares

CHINESE web users were celebrating yesterday after government censors granted them access to the BBC’s unrivalled internet archive of unusual animal stories and idiotic health scares. 

Manhunt 2 Released After Smoking Scenes Cut

THE role-playing video game Manhunt 2 has finally been cleared for release after producers agreed to remove all references to tobacco.

No-One Buying Horseshit Excuse For Final Harry Potter Films

CLAIMS that it would be impossible to cram the 608-page Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows into just one film were last night believed by absolutely no-one.

've Vill Shoot Zem Only Once'

GERMAN television is to show the wartime sitcom Allo, Allo with its raft of comedy catchphrases including: "I will say zis only once: round up all ze men in the village, and machine gun zem into a ditch."

Tributes Flow For 'People's Pornographer'

THE worlds of politics and showbiz came together last night to pay tribute to Britain's greatest purveyor of mucky books.