Arts & Entertainment

Immigrants 'Too Cheerful', Says Morrissey

SINGER Morrissey is refusing to come back to Britain because the country's immigrant population smile too much. 

Jamie Oliver Chicken Recipe Wins 'Bad Sex' Award

JAMIE Oliver's recipe for free-range chicken roasted with garlic and chestnuts has won this year's 'bad sex' book award.

Tate Crack Filled With Junkie Borrowers

THE huge crack in the middle of the Tate Gallery has become a seedy hangout for tiny, drug-abusing Borrowers, the Daily Mash has learned.

Panto Stars Demand Right To Swear

BRITAIN'S favourite pantomime stars are demanding the right to litter their performances with profanity and smut.

Winehouse Husband Demands Death Penalty

THE husband of singer Amy Winehouse is demanding to be executed in a last ditch attempt to avoid another moment in his wife’s company.

Five Launches New Series Of 'Crime Scene Navy Crime'

THE long wait is over for fans of fast-moving US police dramas as Channel Five screens the new series of Crime Scene Navy Crime.

BBC Gives Up

THE BBC will give up as of midnight tonight, the director general Mark Thompson has confirmed.

Porn Fans Terrified By Gigantic Plasma Cocks

GIANT plasma screens have been declared unsuitable for watching pornography after an increase in the number of people traumatised by gigantic cocks.