Arts & Entertainment

Clooney Bags Oscar Nod For 'Timothy Claypole'

GEORGE Clooney has landed a fourth Oscar nomination for his acclaimed performance as a tormented 12th Century court jester.

My Balls Are So Huge, Claims Paxman

JEREMY Paxman has written to the chief executive of Marks & Spencer to tell him that his balls are huge.

Consumers Vow To Remain Oblivious To Music Copying Laws

CONSUMERS last night promised to continue ignoring the law, despite a government pledge not to throw them in jail for copying their own CDs. 

Lloyd-Webber To Play Pug-Ugly Composer In 'Hollyoaks'

ANDREW Lloyd-Webber is to join the cast of the Channel Four soap opera Hollyoaks as an incredibly ugly composer of terrible songs.

BNP Man Woos Ballerina Away From Chink

BNP activist Richard Barnbrook is to marry beautiful English dancer Simone Clarke  after rescuing her from the clutches of a slanty-eyed Latino half-breed devil, he said last night.

Radio One Told To Take Some Time Off

RADIO One has been ordered to take a week off after colleagues expressed concern over her increasingly erratic behaviour.

BBC Unveils Line-Up For Billiepipermas

THE BBC has unveiled the spectacular line-up for what promises to be the best Billiepipermas ever.

Fuck Nativity plays, we're doing The Godfather, say five year-olds

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.