Arts & Entertainment

Panto Stars Demand Right To Swear

BRITAIN'S favourite pantomime stars are demanding the right to litter their performances with profanity and smut.

Winehouse Husband Demands Death Penalty

THE husband of singer Amy Winehouse is demanding to be executed in a last ditch attempt to avoid another moment in his wife’s company.

Five Launches New Series Of 'Crime Scene Navy Crime'

THE long wait is over for fans of fast-moving US police dramas as Channel Five screens the new series of Crime Scene Navy Crime.

BBC Gives Up

THE BBC will give up as of midnight tonight, the director general Mark Thompson has confirmed.

Porn Fans Terrified By Gigantic Plasma Cocks

GIANT plasma screens have been declared unsuitable for watching pornography after an increase in the number of people traumatised by gigantic cocks.

Public Not Aware Simply Red Was A Band

A GINGER tit is to carry on singing despite announcing he was splitting up a band which everyone thought was just him anyway.

Illegal Downloads Force Record Company Bosses To Use Street Drugs

THE growth in illegal music downloading is forcing desperate record company executives to buy less glamorous narcotics, the Daily Mash has learned.

Mona Lisa Was Eating A Sausage

LEONARDO da Vinci’s Mona Lisa was eating a sausage, a new digital scan of the famous painting has revealed.