People not at Glastonbury begin enjoying plight of those who are

23-06-11

MILLIONS of people not at the Glastonbury Festival have started relishing the abject suffering of those who are.

How marvellous

In what has become an almost-yearly ritual, the vast majority of people in the UK are loving the torrential rain that has descended on the world’s biggest music festival, transforming the site into a muddy hellpit full of twats.

Tom Logan, a 36-year-old plumber,  said: “You absolute beauty. I hope they paid a lot of money for this. I hope this is their summer fucking holiday.

“Wouldn’t it be great if there are lots of young people who’ve just finished their A Levels or some fucking thing? Have fun you smart-arsed little shits.

“And hopefully it’ll continue chucking it down throughout the weekend, triggering an epidemic of some prehistoric bacteria that makes them puke their lungs up.”

He added: “Despite its European name, schadenfreude is more British than a bulldog eating a scone.”

However those at the festival are determined to keep pretending to enjoy themselves despite the medieval conditions.

Student Emma Bradford said: “Tonight I’m going to be standing in the vast puddle of filth that is the field containing the semi-submerged Pyramid Stage, waving my home-made banner at Tinie Tempah as if I’m not actually thinking about being in a proper bed, in a building with a roof on it.

“I’m totally stoked about being here.”

Bill McKay added: “Look at this banner I’ve made, it says ‘Brighton Boyz’ on it. Or at least it did, it’s kind of been a bit ruined since I used it to mop up the effluent filling my tent.”

Meanwhile, meteorologist, Jane Thompson, explained: “Scientifically speaking, if you insist on booking Bono and putting him on a pedestal to be worshipped, God will try to drown everyone within a five mile radius.”

 

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