People not at Glastonbury begin enjoying plight of those who are



MILLIONS of people not at the Glastonbury Festival have started relishing the abject suffering of those who are.

In what has become an almost-yearly ritual, the vast majority of people in the UK are celebrating the rain that will transform the site into a muddy hellpit full of twats.

Tom Logan, a 36-year-old plumber,  said: “I hope they paid a lot of money for this. I hope this is their summer fucking holiday.

“Wouldn’t it be great if there are lots of young people who’ve just finished their A Levels or some fucking thing? Have fun you smart-arsed little shits.

“Maybe the rain will trigger an epidemic of some prehistoric bacteria that makes them puke their lungs up.”

He added: “Despite its European name, schadenfreude is more British than a bulldog eating a scone.”

However those at the festival are determined to keep pretending to enjoy themselves despite the medieval conditions.

Student Emma Bradford said: “I’m going to be standing in the vast puddle of filth that is the field containing the semi-submerged Pyramid Stage, waving my home-made banner as if I’m not actually thinking about being in a proper bed, in a building with a roof on it.

“I’m totally stoked about being here.”

Bill McKay added: “Look at this banner I’ve made, it says ‘Brighton Boyz’ on it. Or at least it did, it’s kind of been a bit ruined since I used it to mop up the effluent filling my tent.”

Meanwhile, meteorologist, Jane Thompson, explained: “Scientifically speaking, if you insist on booking Kanye and putting him on a pedestal to be worshipped, God will try to drown everyone within a five mile radius.”


  • Share: