'Predator' to win all film awards for 25th consecutive year

07-01-13

PREDATOR is set to continue its unbroken run of winning every film prize since 1988.

Terrence Malick is a fucking hack

John McTiernan’s masterpiece tells the story of Major ‘Alan’ Dutch Schaefer as he leads a dwindling group of commandos against an otherworldly enemy with glowing green blood.

Since its release over two decades ago, Predator has been adapted into numerous stage plays, an opera and an acclaimed conceptual art installation at Tate Britain. The Collector’s Edition DVD of the film is required viewing on school syllabuses in 64 countries.

Cinema critic Roy Hobbs said: “On the form of previous unbroken success, and also because there is clearly no superior film, my prediction is for Predator to yet again sweep the board at Cannes, the BAFTAs and to win every Oscar including Best Foreign Language film.

“Which, by the way, is legitimate because during the film we hear Predator speak in Predator language.”

However, experts admitted that by the early 90s the masterwork made all subsequent attempts at film making irrelevant.

Film historian Nikki Hollis said: “Let us consider the scene where Dutch skewers a guerilla to a post with a throwing knife then quips, ‘stick around’.

“Or the relationship between Dutch and his old comrade Dillon, which overcomes Dillon’s initial suspicions about his friend’s newly-acquired smart clothes and ‘fucking tie business’, only to end tragically when Dillon’s arm is severed. Can this be equalled? It cannot.”

Since his 18th consecutive best actor Oscar in 2005, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been donating the annual prize to one of the distant runners-up.

Favourites this year include Daniel Day-Lewis for Predator 14: The Ballad of Billy Sole and Joaquin Phoenix for Predator v Abba.

 

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