Sky Unveils Plans For 'Oil Relief' Day
SKY television is to devote an entire day of programming to the growing threats faced by the international oil industry.
Presented by Denise Van Outen, the 16 hour spectacular will explore the proud history of oil and expose the unwashed communists who want to ruin your lives.
The event kicks off with the one-hour special Without It You'd Die in Agony. Billed as a light-hearted guide to the everyday uses of the world's favourite substance, it will include a thrilling demonstration of how quickly oil can help to ignite thousands of annoying trees.
The Greatest Men in the History of the World will profile heroes of the oil trade including John D Rockefeller, the man who bought his own personal army of midgets and paid US Presidents to dance, and King Faisal of Saudi Arabia, the founder of Islamic fundamentalism who once devoured a baby elephant using a giant golden spoon.
Meanwhile the tedious environmental Marxist George Monbiot will be the subject of an hour long profile, The Man Who Was Very Boring and Had a Very Tiny Cock.
In The Fuel of God, Roy Hobbs, Professor of Theology at the University of Texas, will reveal the coded messages in the Bible which warn of pestilence and plague if man turns his back on petroleum distillate, while The Carbon Files will reveal how CO2 emissions make you taller and more attractive to sophisticated foreign women.
The day will end with a screening of Armageddon followed by the episode of Dallas where Cliff Barnes thinks he has finally got one over on JR only for JR to turn the tables on him at the last minute and call him a loser.
A Sky spokesman said: "Some broadcasters feel they have a duty to be impartial when it comes to these issues. Well, over here at Sky we're pretty bloody partial. Would you like some petrol vouchers?"