STING'S next album has been panned by critics more than two years before he is due to start recording it.
Carl Shurz, chief reviewer of rock bible Twang, said the album would probably be called something stupid like Comanche Scallops and sound like 'a cow giving birth next to the M25'.
Einar Gilkyson, writing in the German jazz magazine Fahrtz, described it as 'an impending crime against humanity' and predicted the largest ensemble of badly tuned lutes in musical history.
Shurz said: "At Twang we don't normally give an album a terrible review until it has at least been recorded.
"But as soon as I heard that Sting was even thinking of making another record, I felt compelled to review it as quickly and as badly as possible."
Meanwhile Gilkyson, one of the most influential reviewers in jazz, said Comanche Scallops would be an, 'unrelenting exercise in self-congratulatory masturbation by a musician who clearly has his fingers on the wrong way round'.
He said the opening track, probably called something vacuous like Love Mussel, would most likely be a disgusting, free jazz workout featuring Sting on the lyre and Winton Marsalis on the alto euphonium.
He added: "Ostensibly an ode to the Belgian national dish of moules et frites it will in fact be a 15 minute paean to the art of tantric cunnilingus.
"I expect to be physically sick."
