THIS year will start shit and then get shitter until it gets so shit that eating a shit sandwich will seem like a blessed relief, a leading expert said last night.
Professor Henry Brubaker, director of predictions at the Institute for Studies, said: "Everything you can think of will be much worse than you can imagine it could be, including dog farts and prime-time BBC1."
The Brubaker Predictions for 2008 include:
- Your car will be worth more than your house
- America will be led by someone who believes in miracles
- The developing world will continue its steady descent into hell
- This will be your wettest year so far
Brubaker also warned that unemployment will soar among the non-Chinese and everyone will get an unpronounceable disease after trying to distract themselves from their misery with night after night of anonymous, meaningless sex.
The few people whose private parts are not eaten by sex germs will fall victim to a virulent new human form of Venezuelan Cock Flu.
Brubaker added: "By early August most of Africa should have burned to the ground, while Pakistan will be threatening nuclear war after a dismal summer test series.
"Meanwhile the Americans will elect either a Mormon, an Italian or a ghastly woman.
"On the positive side, no one will be boring you to death about house prices, because there won't be any."
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, said: "My New Year's resolution is to stop shitting myself three times a day."
