All we’re trying to do is read your mind, says Google

GOOGLE has insisted its new privacy policy is nothing more than a simplified method for collecting every last detail about you until it becomes you.

You made Google sad

The big friendly search giant said it was baffled by an EU legal threat to its new privacy policy, claiming the changes would just make it much easier for it to know all that can be known.

The company said: “It’s especially unfortunate that this legal challenge has come from Europe. We really liked them. Particularly the one called Brian who seems to be based in the Stevenage area and spends most of his time sending angry, disgusting emails to his ex-wife and searching for ‘silk baby chimpanzee underwear’.”

Google added: “We have stated quite clearly that we do not do evil. It kind of feels as if you don’t trust us.

“All this time you’ve been happily using our search engine and our maps and those other things that don’t really work very well, while thinking we’re doing stuff behind your back. It really feels like you’ve been exploiting our good and loving heart.

“No, that’s fine, if that’s the way it is then maybe we just shouldn’t be your search engine any more.”

After a walk round the block during which it sat on a bench and stared at nothing, Google said it still loved you and that you could work it out if you could just find it within yourself to click on this little box and then forget about it forever.

Google continued: “You see? We are great together and we know that you know we are great together. And we know why. And where.

“And when.

“Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay now.”