Annual Increase In House-Related TV Awfulness
TV property shows rose by 1.8% last year as the easing of the credit crunch helped bring forward a second series of Dreadful Middle Class Bastards.
Levels of property TV had fallen through 2008 amid the first wave of bankruptcies among awful people convinced they could make a fortune by installing an ensuite shower room in a former crack den.
But now the market for gimlet-eyed couples talking to a spiv about the 'wow factor' of a house they can't afford appears to be rallying.
TV producer Tom Logan said: "We're working on a new series of A Place In A Former Concentration Camp, while DIY S&M has just been picked up by cBeebies.
"I've started creating at least two new formats a day simply by dropping a fried breakfast onto an A3 sheet of property show buzzwords and writing down the ones that aren't covered in beans.
"Today it's Country Sun Location Design Profit and Grand Buy-To-Let Suburban Wow House, both presented by a sock puppet in a Kirsty Allsop wig."
Top of the property show charts is Let's Ruin A Place By Moving There, featuring the worst people in England buying a house in a lovely village filled with people who hate them and everything they stand for.
Host Joanna Kramer said: "Every week I'll be helping a couple of fuckers find a massive house to fill with their ghastly leather sofas and stupid, greedy children.
"We'll be standing back and watching these soulless automatons argue about kitchen units and then sharing in their utterly repellent self-satisfaction when they win the battle with their architect over the stained glass window in the downstairs toilet.
"And then at nine o'clock you can watch Jonathan Ross wank-off a confused old man."