Apple stores covered in jizz

28-09-11

BRITAIN’S bodily fluid cleaners have been working overtime after the launch date for the iPhone 5 was announced.

It's like painting the Forth Bridge

Muscly-thumbed throngs crowded against Apple temples to hump the window until reaching a Krakatoan fountain of climax in anticipation of the very-slightly-different rectangle that will cost more than your first car.

Apple worker Julian Cook said: “I’ve been busying myself in the stockroom all day as the shop window looks like somebody slowly shaking a jar of pickled octopus. Some of them have been drawing lovehearts in the sticky mess.

“They’ve been there since about four seconds after the launch date was announced. It’s like if the zombies in Dawn Of The Dead didn’t have an insatiable appetite for brains, but were just really, really horny.”

IPhone host body Wayne Hayes has been stood outside the Gateshead Apple store for 18 hours, slapping the window with his penis and making keening noises whilst stood next to the shattered remains of his phone.

He said: “iPhone 4 shit now. Want iPhone 5. Where iPhone 5? Oooooo. Oooooooooo. Oo.”

Details of the features and design of the new iPhone have yet to be released but many expect it to be a phone, for fuck’s sake.

And while the new shiny thing is expected to earn Apple all the money that is left, the profits will be offset by the cost of removing the crusty patina of geekjuice from more than 400 stores worldwide.

Cleaner Janet Thompson said: “I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to de-spooge a wireless keyboard. It gets everywhere.”

 

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