Apprentice Contestants To Run Irish Economy

SIR Alan Sugar is to task the remaining Apprentice contestants with making Ireland’s economy less cock-shaped.

Baggs has already sold 63% of Dolores O'Riordan to an Indian car company

Team Apollo will take over public spending, Team Synergy will run imports and exports and Sir Alan will visit every Irish person to tell them how poor he was as a child.

The teams will be given €70 billion of debt each and will have a week to see who can make it disappear without using the IMF.

Apollo contestant, Stuart Baggs, said: “Ireland is totally 20th Century as a brand name and we need to streamline – I’m spitballing here, but how about Padonia?

“And the flag’s colours don’t appeal to the key 18-25 demographic so I’ve commissioned Banksy to design a new one featuring a policeman drinking a Guinness with Boba Fett. It screams of spraypainted win.

“We’ll pay Banksy’s fee by changing the Irish Euros into cool, Panini collectable banknotes. Is it better if people hang on to their money or spend it? I’ve never quite been sure.”

Meanwhile, Synergy’s Liz Locke will stand by the departures lounge of Dublin airport handing out free samples of debt in the hope that passengers will take them back home.

She has also negotiated the sale of 50 Flanagan & Allen CDs to a record shop in New York, bringing in an overall profit of €4.

Sir Alan  said: “I really wish Ruth Badger was here as I’d love to see the EU bureaucrat brave enough to tell her she had to give up Ireland’s fiscal sovereignty without shitting himself first. That girl was a knuckle with tits.

“Of course I never saw a tit until I was 23. We couldn’t afford them in our street. Twelve of us had to share the same nipple, and…”