Asda Welcomes Shoeless, Pyjama-Wearing Freaks

SUPERMARKET chain Asda is targeting its Spring campaign at the shambling underclass looking for bargains in their nightclothes.

'I've actually just popped in for some Sugar Puffs. And vodka.'

The store hopes to win over shoeless customers recently banned from Tesco with its new slogan 'Asda – It's Like Shopping In A Post-Apocalyptic Aldi'.

A new advertising campaign features Sharon Osbourne and Paul Whitehouse having a drunken brawl over a marked-down tin of spaghetti hoops and was described by one industry analyst as 'more soul-destroying than an NSPCC advert by Ken Loach'.

Asda marketing director, Julian Cook, said: "While Waitrose has the aspirational middle class and Sainsbury's attracts people who can look at Jamie Oliver without rubbing chillis into their eyes, we're opening our doors to the shopper with issues.

"We want the sort of person you can imagine shuffling up and down the freezer aisle at 2am, sobbing quietly while holding a bag of flour that is leaking slowly and steadily onto the floor."

He added: "Trust me, when the country finally implodes in about 18 months' time, this is all going to sound very familiar."

Asda say the no-shoe, pyjama code will be strictly enforced though exceptions may be made for social workers and probation officers with a panicked look on their face.

Nikki Hollis, a regular shopper at Asda in Carlisle, said: "Some bloke wearing outside clothes that smelled of clean was in the other day, asking the manager if the jumbo bag of frozen turkey-style gizzards was origami.

"We dragged him behind the bins."