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BANKS TO BE BROKEN UP INTO KITTENS |
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01-11-09 |
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ROYAL Bank of Scotland, Lloyds and Northern Rock are to be broken up into lovely little kittens that would not hurt a fly, it emerged last night.
 TSB in about three years
Mr Darling said: "These are going to be the sort of banks that will clamber all over you and tug at your jumper in the most irresistible way.
"They'll pursue a lending policy based on cuddly-wuddlyness and each new current account will come with cheeky little whiskers and a tiny pink nose."
He added: "Ooooooooh. I really want to keep one."
City analysts admitted the new banks did sound as if they were going to be absolutely adorable, especially if they end up being owned by Richard Branson or Tesco.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "These sound like the sort of banks that everyone will just love and in return they'll love everyone back, twice as much.
"They certainly don't sound like the sort of banks that will leave you half-dead and then toy with you in a sickeningly callous way until they get bored and snap your neck."
But Martin Bishop, from Donnelly McPartlin, said that even the cutest banks do eventually mature into self-sufficient adults with finely-honed financial instincts.
He added: "They are delightful when they're young. It's only after a couple of years that they'll to start treat you like shit and then rip your throat out when you go 12p over your limit."
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