BANKS TO START WRITING STUFF DOWN

BRITAIN'S high street banks are to start writing stuff down, it was confirmed last night.

Some clerks got to pump Helena Bonham Carter

Under the new system names, addresses, dates of birth and account details will be inscribed on pieces of paper by specially trained staff.

The pieces of paper will then be stored alphabetically in tall, locked cabinets in a secure room.

Julian Cook, banking analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "At the moment banks store all of your really important, sensitive information on a plastic stick the size of a teaspoon.

"They then give this stick to a 17-year old temp who puts it in his pocket so it will fall out the moment he sits down on the bus.

"Or, like NatWest, they put it all on a laptop and then just give it to some random bloke for 35 quid."

Martin Bishop, an economist at the Institute for Studies, said: "Captain Mainwaring never lost anyone's account details, and he had to deal with Nazis and the bloody air raid warden."

He added: "Writing everything down would also create thousands of new jobs.

"Britain would once again become an EM Forster novel where everyone who was not a woman or a homosexual aristocrat was a clerk. Possibly on the railways."

NatWest customer Nikki Hollis said she was unconcerned by the latest data loss scandal as thanks to the credit crunch, inflation and the bank's overdraft fees she had 'fuck all money anyway'.

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