Bastard Americans Ruin Your Life
ALL your hopes and dreams were shattered by bastard Americans last night, just as you suspected they always would be.
Along with six billion other humans you were forced to rethink your life plan as one set of bastards rejected a bail-out for another set of bastards because they were worried about losing their seats when a third set of bastards goes to the polls in November.
Emma Bradford, an office manager from Luton, said: "Whenever things were going well there was always this voice in the back of my mind saying, 'make the most of it because sooner or later it's all going to be completely fucked by some bastard Americans'.
"I just assumed I'd be horribly maimed as a knock-on from one of their insane, catastrophic wars, but instead they have, in the most beautifully co-ordinated fashion, demolished the system that provides me with a job, a home and the vague hope that life may not an elaborate waste of time.
"I'd applaud them, if only I wasn't so weak from all the nauseating terror."
Tom Logan, an engineer from Leeds, said: "I suppose I always knew America would eventually break the planet, like some ghastly, hyperactive toddler that gets hold of a mobile phone and then smashes it repeatedly against the edge of a table, but I never really thought it would affect me.
"But now, thanks to a combination of psychotic greed, political expediency and the sort of jaw dropping stupidity that makes you wonder if they actually know how to breathe in and out, I can look forward to a future of dysentry, burnt-out vans and an exciting range of low-fat meals, all of which – in some way or another – involve rodents."