Blackpool not clean enough for giant gas refinery

SHALE gas operations can only start in Blackpool once the town meets minimum environmental standards.

The trams could make the gas smell weird

The multi-billion-pound refineries will pump vast quantities of dangerous hydrocarbons out of the ground, but only once the local council can stop the place stinking of battered sausage.

Veteran shale gas miner, Bill McKay, said: “I’ve seen thousand-ton platforms explode under immense pressure and gas leaks ignite in a hellstorm of flame. And then there’s Blackpool hen parties.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen what 12 fat birds from Carlisle pumped full of Sambuca can do to a sweaty guy fresh off the rig. It’s no picnic.”

Concerns have also been raised about the food supply for mining operations, with environmentalists warning that if just one portion of chips with scraps falls into the Irish Sea it could suffocate 60,000 puffins in 20 minutes.

If the operations go ahead, mining for shale gas in Blackpool will rank as one of the planet’s most dangerous occupations, alongside tree felling, arctic crab fishing and being Naomi Campbell’s manicurist.

But energy secretary Chris Huhne said: “Given the current state of the economy if we discovered a swamp full of alligators in Blackpool with five pound notes tied round their hands-free zone we’d be sticking oven gloves on unemployed people and hurling them in.”

Shale gas operations have also been known to contaminate local water
supplies, which scientists stressed could bring Blackpool’s water up to
the standard of Calcutta. 

McKay added: “Whenever I go to Blackpool I always take great care to drink my own piss.”