Bosses Quite Happy With Levels Of Workplace Stress
COMPANY bosses have welcomed a new survey showing employees are experiencing exactly the right levels of stress to keeping them working like mules.
Research by the Institute for Studies shows that 74% of workers regularly consider sticking a pencil up their nostril and headbutting their desk.
Meanwhile, 93% describe their jobs as a mind-numbing yet precarious hamster wheel of mortgage-fuelled monotony that is making their pubes fall out.
Amstrad millionaire and business leader Sir Alan Sugar described the findings as 'hugely gratifying'.
He said: "Any good boss aspires to ensure his employees wake up on Monday morning drenched in cold sweat at the sheer horror of what they're about to face.
"It's always tough for employers to create the correct balance between the meaningless bullshit of modern office existence and the constantly looming terror of redundancy.
He added: "These figures show that we're finally getting it right."
Office worker Tom Logan said he found his telemarketing job as enticing as eating rotten mongoose placenta.
He said: "I hate and fear my job with every fibre of my being.
"However, the worry that two burly men will come and take away my flatscreen television always keeps me working like a bitch."