British Gas To Just Shoot Your Dog In The Face
SOMEONE from British Gas will be round this afternoon to shoot your dog in the face, it has been confirmed.
If you don’t have a dog they will catch your cat and put it in a box full of scorpions.
And if you don’t have a cat they will just spray paint ‘kiddie fiddler’ on your front door and set fire to your shed.
It is the 27th year in a row that British Gas has chosen to make your life a total and complete misery in the run up to Christmas.
In 1993 they sent each of their customers a seasonal jiffy bag filled with assorted animal guts and faeces before ratcheting things up the following winter by planting bombs in 22 million cars and waiting until the last possible moment to announce which wire to cut.
The new millennium saw the company switch to more direct tactics, including kidnapping a random pedestrian, taking them to a disused warehouse and cutting off their ears before throwing them out the back of a van onto a busy high street with a warning note stapled to their gums.
In 2007 they produced their infamous ‘You’re all fucking dead’ TV campaign, starring Barbara Windsor, which ran alongside their strategy of bulldozing old folks’ homes in the middle of the night and forcing the now destitute residents to dance on the rubble for hours in their bare, arthritic feet.
The company has since expanded its programme of customer-based terror by hunting down people who have switched supplier and then shining a 4000 watt searchlight into their houses 24 hours a day, seven days a week, until they commit suicide.
A British Gas spokesman said: “Fuck you, that’s why.”