Brown To Sell Your Fat To L'Oreal
GORDON Brown is to slash Britain's budget deficit by sucking the fat from your body and selling it to soap companies.
The prime minister said Britain should follow the example of the Peruvian gangsters who are delivering sustainable returns by killing people and turning their blubber into a root-nourishing conditioner that Cosmopolitan readers have voted their favourite for the third year in a row.
A Downing Street spokesman said: "He feels we are missing a trick and the last thing he wants is for Britain to fall behind Peru in the reprocessing of fat people into hair and skin care products.
"We want to sell licences to the major cosmetic companies to round you up, despatch you quickly and humanely and then attach a high-powered hoover to your belly button while the fat is still all fresh and creamy.
"Some people will ask why we can't just suck the fat without killing the fat person, and no doubt someone will, one day, come up with an answer to that."
Fat people have been used to produce beauty products for more than 150 years. Oil of Olay was first manufactured using the thigh fat from a Parisian shopkeeper named Gustave Olay, while L'Oreal was founded after the roof collapsed at a Bordeaux cake shop in 1862.
Cosmetic historian Emma Bradford said: "Georges L'Oreal was a quick-witted entrepreneur and he wasted no time in hauling those hefty, resource-rich corpses onto the back of a cart."
Today L'Oreal uses human fat made in Fiji and Samoa though industry analysts say high import tariffs could see the company switch to cheaper, low-grade Peruvian stomach gunge.
The Downing Street spokesman added: "If we can get cross-party consensus on this, I suspect it won't be long before Cheryl Cole is advertising products made from some of the big, fat Geordies she went to school with."