the dailymash

In a major step sideways for Britain's telecoms infrastructure, experts say the new fibre-optic technology will deliver overpriced downloads of gooey pornography and the unmitigated horror of 3D television to millions of homes that don't really need it.

Technology analyst Julian Cook said: "It'll be as if Justin Lee Collins is sitting in your living room, eating all your biscuits and shedding his stupid, wurzel hair all over your sofa."

The company will invest £1.5bn in its new monopoly and has also pledged to quadruple the number of staff in its customer service centre to four, one of whom will eventually learn to speak some form of English.

A BT spokesman said: "We'll strive to keep waiting times for telephone queries to around three weeks. Of course customers do always have the option of contacting our complaints unit which is staffed by magical unicorns in the lost world of Atlantis.

"Of course you will need the STD code for Atlantis so best of luck with that."

The company's chief executive Ian Livingstone added: "Our competitors will oil up, bend over and pay whatever we ask. Fuck the absolute lot of you. Good day."

But BT customer John Gage said: "Fifty giga-byte broadband sounds great, but how's about we start with a phone line that doesn't sound like The Ramones frying bacon and costs me a third of my wages?"