Everything to be alright at Sports Direct now Mike Ashley in charge

ALL problems at Sports Direct will disappear now Mike Ashley is chief executive, jubilant employees have confirmed. 

Majority shareholder Ashley has replaced chief executive Dave Forsey in a move described by staff as “a new dawn for working practices.”

Warehouse operative Wayne Hayes said: “Our long zero-hours nightmare is finally over.

“Mike Ashley is a man of the people, a man who listens to his staff and unhesitatingly acts in their best interests, whatever the costs to the business and to him personally.

“I hear he always carries a huge wad of £50 notes in his pocket to be distributed to the needy and suffering. That’s how big-hearted he is.

“Just look at how he’s delighted the fans of Newcastle in the nine years since he bought the club. He literally can do no wrong.”

Ashley said: “We’re switching to minus-hours contracts. If you don’t work a minimum ten hours a week, you pay us.”