Scrumpy-making farmer not 'inspired by Brew Dog'

A FARMER whose bright orange cider makes you shit yourself is not inspired by Brew Dog, he has confirmed.

Arable farmer and part-time cider maker Tom Logan said he has no plans to build up and then sell his drinks-making business, and does not have a brand other than a hand-made sign on the roadside that says ‘Scrumpy’.

He said: “We get the apples, make the cider, then put it in plastic petrol-type containers, some of which have previously had petrol in.

“We have no shareholders because I only take cash, which goes straight in my pocket. The price varies depending on my mood. Sometime I take £25 a week.

“Personally I don’t drink our cider because it’s fucking horrible and apparently it can make you go blind, but some people seem to like it. Christ knows why.

“We don’t really have a business model other than ‘sell cider’. I don’t have a handsome youthful face, tattoos, or a friendly welcoming grin that says ‘please like me’.

“If you want cider, I have cider. Otherwise, stay away.”

He added: “Craft beer is for dickheads.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Barista's band is thankfully really shit

AN OBNOXIOUS cafe worker’s band is thankfully really shit, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes, who has the air of someone who has achieved a lot due to knowing how to make hot drinks and having a bunch of stars tattooed on him somewhere, recently played with his dreadful band to an audience including several customers.

Gig-goer Nathan Muir said” “When I saw it was him playing in the band I just thought, ‘Please God let them be shit.’

And what do you know, God answered my prayers and they were total dog shit.

“Like, at first I thought they were covering Green Day in an ironic way but then it turned out they were just covering Green Day.

Like a bunch of 15-year-olds in the late 90s. Okay, I’ll correct that, like me in my band in the late 90s.”

Hayes added: “Whether it’s serving customers or awkwardly fronting a really shit band, I’m happy to say I’m always a real prick.”

Save

Save