Ginger man thinks oil companies are nice

OIL companies would never dream of doing bad things, Britain’s most powerful ginger claimed last night.

Danny Alexander, who, it turns out, really is the chief secretary to the Treasury, insisted a new tax on oil profits would not be passed on to consumers as it would undo the goodwill that has been built up over decades between the oil industry and the British public.

He said: “I know for a fact that oil executives value the close, emotional bond they have with British motorists far more than their profits or seven-figure bonus cheques.

“That is exactly what they told me. I looked them straight in the eye and I could see that they meant every word.

“They’re actually really nice people and maybe you should just give them a break for a change.”

Mr Alexander also stressed that even if prices increased ‘by accident’ retailers would source cheaper petrol on the open market, leading experts to ask if Mr Alexander was a massive, ginger four year-old.

Martin Bishop, a senior analyst a Madeley-Finnegan, said: “The only reason we call the international oil market a ‘market’ is because it has fewer syllables than ‘blatantly obvious shakedown’.

“Because, of course, when North Sea oil producers raise their prices, all their friends their prices too. We call it the ‘Bagpuss effect’.

“There are two main reasons why oil producers increase their prices – (a) it’s Tuesday and (b) fuck you.”

Meanwhile chancellor George Osborne told MPs the fuel duty cut will mean people can now drive to the out of town shopping centres where they cannot afford to buy anything, rather than be forced to catch some ‘ghastly bus’.

He added: “It also will mean a bonanza for window cleaners who will be rushed off their feet wiping away the greasy smudges left by millions of hard-working British noses.”

 

 

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My best friend confronted me last night
and told me that since I started going out with my girlfriend I’ve
totally changed. It’s true that my new squeeze has encouraged a few
positive alterations, for example, I’ve radically overhauled my
wardrobe, updated my hairstyle, stopped farting and swearing, stopped
socialising with my friends, got rid of my beloved car, had my dog
put down, invested in some rhinoplasty, become a vegan and changed my
name by deed poll. But other than that I think my friend is
exaggerating a little. Do you think he’s just jealous of our
relationship?
Lionel
Clapham

Dear Lionel,
I had a best friend once, called Susan
Boneparte, who used to come over to play tea parties at mine
practically every night after school. We shared our secrets; I even
showed her the bit in my diary where I’d drawn a picture of me and
Justin Bieber getting married with Zac Efron as the head bridesmaid,
and she swore me to secrecy about how once she’d accidentally done a
poo in her pants at school and left them in Amanda Sullivan’s Dora
the Explorer rucksack. But one day, I went over to call on her and
Alice Spiggot was there, playing with Susan’s Barbies and giving me
death stares. Susan said she was bored of playing tea parties with me
all the time, and that I was a loser because my parents buy
supermarket own-brand crisps. So I went home and never played with
Susan again. The moral of this story is that there are plenty more
fish in the sea, so if this person is giving you a hard time, it
might be a good idea to cut them loose. In addition to this, no
matter how much you like someone, you should never reveal sordid
jobby secrets to them unless you want to get your head kicked in by
Amanda Sullivan at a later date.
Hope that helps!
Holly