God Is A Banker
GOD has revealed himself to be the head of Goldman Sachs, and that the real purpose of human existence is to get extraordinarily rich by 40 and buy yourself an island.
The revelation came during an interview when God, then disguised as Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, proved his divinity by turning water into very strong coffee and levitating some biscuits.
God said: "It appears my commandments have become somewhat misconstrued over the years.
"For example, I didn't actually say 'Love thy neighbour'. What I said was 'Love lending thy neighbour a lot of money irrespective of his ability to repay it because ultimately, even if it fucks up, the taxpayer will sort you out'. I guess the tablet got a bit eroded or something.
"And Heaven is, of course, just a metaphor for a penthouse apartment full of ornate cherub statues. Any dick should be able to work that out."
God explained that while he possessed the power to manifest money out of thin air, running an investment bank was equally lucrative and actually less tiring.
He said: "People assume that just because I'm God I don't like having massive cars, golf clubs, cognac and other cool expensive shit. Boy are they wrong.
"I mean, look at these new calfskin loafers and tell me they're not divine."
The Almighty also confirmed that greed was not actually a sin after all.
He said: "I've actually done some revisions to the sins and replaced greed with 'Parking Like A Twat'.
"And I'm thinking of replacing gluttony with something about talking on mobile phones in cinemas."