TAXPAYERS are to spend more than £30bn buying a majority stake in Al-Qaeda after the House of Lords threw out a key plank of the government's anti-terror legislation.

Bradford & Bingley & Al-Qaeda

Mr Brown said: "This move is very much in line with our current strategy. If all else fails, just buy the fucker."

He insisted the day to day operations will remain with a small group of religious psychopaths working out of a cave in Pakistan.

But the government will appoint at least two non-executive directors to the board including Lord Kinnock and TV presenter Mariella Frostrup.

The prime minister said : "We must ensure that, as an institution, it continues to provide a useful, ongoing threat without actually blowing things up."

Mr Brown said Al-Qaeda had taken excessive risks fostered by an 'out of control' bonus culture that included the fragrant daughters of Afghan warlords and thousands of prize winning goats.

Mr Brown added: "If this had happened three months ago I would not have proposed a massive investment in Al-Qaeda, mainly because I would have been out of a job. Thank Christ you're all so easily distracted."

The Treasury stressed Al Qaeda would eventually return to the private sector though officials have not ruled out a merger with Bradford and Bingley.

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