Hayward To Get About 12 Lives Back
BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.
Hayward will be fired by the oil giant but handed a severance package that will allow him to fuck about even when he is not at work.
BP is expected to agree a Â£12m pension pot, roughly equivalent to the average lifetime earnings of a dozen ordinary British people who manage to go about their working day without killing everything in the sea.
A BP spokesman said: “It is only right and proper that Mr Hayward be recognised for the key role he played in standing around looking peeved and then saying it wasn’t his fault.
“While it is now time for BP to move forward under new leadership, we are sure that Mr Hayward will be able to bring his standing around expertise to other buck-passing enterprises, such as an airline or a nuclear power station.”
Meanwhile sources close to Hayward said that luckily BP had given him a large enough salary to be able to buy a massive yacht and then pay people to sail it for him.
A friend said: “The only reason he has been willing to accept Â£12m is because he already has a yacht. Yachts are really expensive at the moment.”
It is understood Mr Hayward’s lawyers began negotiating his severance package about 2.4 seconds after he used the phrase ‘I’d like my life back’ in reaction to a disaster which claimed 11 oil rig workers.
Industry analyst, Stephen Malley, said: “I presume if he’d said ‘I’m really chuffed they’re dead’ he would only have got about eight or nine million.
“He’s played it brilliantly.”