the dailymash

Mathewson spoke out after the Financial Services Authority unveiled plans to curb bonuses that reward excessive risks such as giving coke-addled egotists control of billions of pounds of other people's money.

He said: "It's actually rather endearing to imagine the government daring to confront my former colleagues about matters that need not concern them.

"But if they want an example of how that would pan out, I suggest they have a conversation with the last chap who questioned our authority. You'll find him holding up a large section of the North Circular at Ealing Common."

The FSA is seeking further powers after a City firm announced a new payment package that included a gold-plated Titian painting as a signing-on bonus and a cocaine straw made of wood shavings from the True Cross.

A spokesman said: "In the past, we've had as much regulatory muscle as Gandhi's withered penis. With powers over bonus allocation, we might be able to save some of the country from being reduced to a smoking heap of rubble that smells of Lynx deodorant and hubris.

"And if I'm being completely honest with you, I'd pay the FSA for the opportunity to watch some Jeremy's face after I've told him he'd better cancel his ski trip."

But Mathewson added: "FSA, regulation, prudence, sustainable growth. These are all merely words. As are 'ex-KGB officer' and 'severed brake cable'. Good day."