IMF warns recession could be lurking in your shed

ECONOMISTS have warned there could be a two-headed recession lurking in every garden in Britain.

No... no... NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The recession, said to be over 40 feet long and made entirely of fist-shaped teeth, escaped from a bank some time in 2008 and has been roaming the country fucking things up ever since.

Nobody has ever taken a photo of the recession or captured it live, but experts are warning that, like rats in London, nobody in the UK is more than six feet away from one.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “My mate Dave was coming out of his flat the other day and this massive recession jumped out from behind a hedge and pissed off with his Maserati.

“He won’t leave his living room now because he’s convinced the recession is out to get him. I dare not tell him about the article I read that said they thrive on plasma screen televisions and designer leather sofas.”

The IMF has advised people that the recession’s vision is based on money, meaning poor people are essentially invisible to it and that households can minimise the risk of attack by not leaving any disposable income lying about the place.

Nobody is sure whether the current recession is a new-born or whether it is the same one reported throughout history as far back as the Paleolithic area in paintings on the cave walls at Lascaux, which depict a series of stick men going absolutely mental because they’ve run out of pebbles.

But Julian Cook warned: “It’s out there right now, hiding in the shadows, just waiting for the opportunity to pounce and rip your mortgage to bits. In negative equity, no-one can hear you scream.”