Insane Greed Still Best Way To Make Money, Say Experts

INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.

The easiest 50p you'll ever make

As US and British authorities suspended short-selling, prime minister Gordon Brown pledged that London-based hedge funds would from now on be managed by the cast of The Vicar of Dibley and a host of former Play School presenters.

Mr Brown said: "People need to know their pensions are in the hands of wide-eyed bumpkins who, if necessary, will give it all to some drug addict and hope he uses it to get his life back on track."

But the Institute for Studies said investing your money with people who have friends and enjoy hugging, sharing and lazy summer days, will also mean spending your retirement in a tube station, dancing for coins.

Professor Henry Brubaker, said: "Some people think investment returns are like a field of wheat that needs to be nurtured with water, sunshine and natural goodness.

"However, what they actually involve is nailing the farmer to the floor of the barn, setting fire to his wheat field and then submitting a fraudulent insurance claim.

"The role of the regulator is to ensure investment firms always have enough money to buy more petrol and nails."

He added: "Then again, you could always get yourself some comfortable trainers and a regular spot at Tottenham Court Road.

"Try body-popping. Everyone likes that."