IT'S THE BEHEADINGS I MISS THE MOST, SAYS HOMESICK SAUDI KING

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.

Hassan dispatches an enemy of the King

The King, who arrived in London yesterday to complete his purchase of the British Government, said: "Tyranny is marvellous thing, but it bugger to travel with.

"I have to leave behind Rolls Royce toilets and beatings of women. I come to cheap country where women no have to wear large canvas tent."

He added: "Next time I bring Hassan the Royal Swordsman and we do some beheadings in lobby of the Dorchester. Yes?"

The King, a moderniser who is slowly dragging his country into the 11th century, will be welcomed officially by the Queen.

He will then spend the rest of day sitting on a vast silk cushion in the corner of the Throne Room, breaking wind and working his way through a pair of marinated goats.

He will spend Wednesday buying Leeds, Bristol, Gateshead and Barbara Windsor.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown said the King was an honoured guest adding: "You are wise and just and you have the proud genitals of an ox.

"Please come my lovely friend. See our high-quality killing machines. Fresh today. I give you good price."

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