Key financial decisions now based on free toy

BRITONS will spend any amount of money in order to get a ‘plush toy’, it has emerged.

RBS hopes to reverse its fortunes with the Stuffed Owl Fixed Rate Bond

Following the successful use of fabric rodents to lure insurance buyers, the financial services industry has abandoned making its products more competitive in favour of free toys with soft fur and big, kind eyes.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In the past six months we have seen an explosion in toy-based mortgages, from Lloyds’ Squiggly Squid Tracker to HSBC’s Happy Hamster Home Loan.

“Although interest rates for toy-based mortgages are typically four times that of non-toy products, the public needs its cuddly snuggle-buddy.

“The desire for the toy overrides all other factors, such as the possibility they may end up sleeping inside a bin bag on a roundabout.

“As a nation we are still very much in touch with our inner child. Whether you think this is a good thing or a bad thing depends on whether or not you’re an arse.”

He added: “Then again, Happy Hamster does have a little bowler hat and when you squeeze his paw he says, ‘Pleased to squeak you’. If you don’t think that’s cute, you have a lump of coal where you heart should be.”

Teacher Tom Logan said: “We already had home insurance when they started doing the free toy. Now I have two lots of home insurance and a new friend.”

Meanwhile chancellor George Osborne confirmed he will borrow £1.4 trillion from the IMF so he can get a limited edition retro sock monkey puppet.