the dailymash

In London the FTSE 100 was down several hundred tediously familiar points while the Asian markets continued the trend by losing value in the same pathetically unoriginal way they did last week.

City analyst Martin Bishop said there was a 60% chance the markets will go down again today, adding: "Or I suppose they might go up a bit. To be honest, I'm going to play Tetris for a couple of hours and then go home early."

Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "What you asking me for? Why are you all so obsessed with money? Go and read a fucking book, bake a loaf of bread, pick some wild flowers. God, you're all so dead inside."

Meanwhile the British Chambers of Commerce said the country was already in the midst of a deep recession, as if it actually matters.

A BCC spokesman said: "Nobody really knows why it's happened, how long it will last and what its effect will be, and d'you know what? I couldn't give a flying fuck."

He added: "I'm going to do some naked hoovering and then have a hearty bowl of homemade broth, followed by a long, satisfying dump."

Angela Knight, chief executive of the British Bankers Association, said: "Why can't we all just live in the countryside, grow vegetables and make clothes out of old bits of paper?"